My Bloggy Wog

My Aunty still lives there: Laura. 

Laura the Lesbian. 

I was born there and my parents migrated to England when I was 4 years old. 

This is COMPLETE bull shit. 

It’s a lie I told during Secondary School and College to make myself seem more interesting. 

The truth? Aunty Laura IS a Lesbian and migrated to New Zealand with her husband in her 20’s. She had 5 children and THEN realised she was a Lesbian. She quickly divorced and has since been living happily with her partner Liz whilst running a small chain of Kebab Houses. 

Laura is British but has that authoritative sense of up-your-own-arse-dom most New Zealanders possess. I’m most probably misinterpreting this as I’m an overly-sensitive Brit. Personal emotions aside, Laura is a typical assertive, efficient, quick thinking (and speaking) bossy Zealander. 

I have NO idea how she inherited this trait - she was born in the UK.

I can remember five things about her: 

1. On the one occasion in my lifetime that she visited her parents, showing my Grandad how to make New Zealand style FAT sandwiches by piling up layer upon layer of bread.

2. Asking me to offer Hors D’oeuvres tray to guests at the reception of my Grandad’s Funeral. 

I hated my Aunty Laura for that. She hadn’t made ANY effort to visit my Grandad in his ill health. I was at the house every day; my mum was his full time carer. Losing my Grandad was like losing a parent. Yet, Laura was so full of New Zealand efficiency, she neglected any empathy whatsoever and overlooked the concept that the mere Grandchildren may have any emotions about the matter and instead handed us the Buffet Trays. 

3. When my Grandma had passed away, she left me in her Will all her Costumes, Juggling Batons, Cruise Ship outfits and Costume Jewelry. Aunty Laura did not like this and wanted first dibs. The family wouldn’t let her and they told me not to give her anything. Her absence gave her the inability to realise that other people may be closer to her parents than she. She still pesters me to this day for them. 

4. When my Dad was on his Death Bed, Laura texted my Aunty Jillian - who was with me at the hospital - saying; “I had a vision and David (my Dad) is going to be OK”. David wasn’t OK. He died within a few hours. Laura did not visit for the Funeral. 

5. She told me I should visit New Zealand and “Farm-Hop”, although to this day my memory tells me “Bunny-Hop”… goodness knows why. She suggested that lots of people travel from Farm to Farm picking fruit, in return for free bed and board and that it is a great way to travel around New Zealand. 

I really want to visit New Zealand.

When I was at my Sixth Form College, I told my boyfriend Richard that I was 17. He was 17 and I was 16. 

Friends of mine would say in front of him; “you aren’t 17 Emily!! You’re 16”! and I’d say, “actually, I AM 17 - I was behind a year at school”. 

I don’t know why I did this. My friends had known me all my life and I was simply making a complete fool out of myself - like the time I was fucking 3 boys at once -thinking they all didn’t know whilst and it was a running joke between them - but still continued with the lie. I just couldn’t tell the truth. I was scared of being honest. 

When it was my 17th Birthday, I came clean to Richard and told him I was really 17. His mum had brought me a really nice card and gift because she thought it was my 18th and I  had to face the humiliation of admitting that I had lied about my age. 

Richard dumped me. 

*****

I lied about my age when I quit Sixth Form College - aged 17 - and needed a Job. 

I was a stunner - had a heap of attention from guys - and was 5 foot 3, tight ass, big tits, size 6-8 and despite my height, long slender and shapely legs. 

I walked into ‘Ye Olde Musician’ in Grimsby and applied for a Bar Job. The Assistant Bar Manager’s eyes lit up when he saw me. I walked behind the bar into the Office and heard a regular say: “If you don’t employ her, we won’t come here anymore”. 

Needless to say, I got the job. 

After my first few shifts, it was apparent that I was excellent behind the bar. Not only at serving but at being a filthy flirt with the regulars. The Manager’s especially loved that I was a shit hot singer and would make sure I was working every Karaoke night to get the punters going. 

After a few weeks, I still hadn’t provided proof of my age - after forgetting on several occasions - and the Assistant Manager told the General Manager he’d seen it because he was fed up of pestering me for it. 

When I eventually got sacked from the Job for stealing money out of the tip Jar and the occasional Packet of Pringles - which I denied stealing, even at the Tribunal Hearing in order to get my Job back - I told them that they had been employing a Minor for 1 year. 

They paid me a months wage and I left gracefully. 

Shortly after, the pub closed and became a popular chain. 

When I was 14, my Karate Teacher tried to Rape me. 

The two girls at school who had encouraged me to attend Karate with them, didn’t believe that their beloved teacher of 10 years had done this. 

They didn’t believe that in large Hall where the lessons took place, even with 50 members in the room, David Bemrose (this is his correct name) would approach me and whisper in my ear, “I can’t believe you’re a Ballet Dancer with tits like that”. They didn’t believe that when  he offered a few of us lifts home, he always drove the long way so he could take me home last and run his hands up my skirt. 

They didn’t believe that he would say to me, “I’ll pay for your exams if you know…”. 

And yes, I knew EXACTLY what he meant - even aged 14.

I was rebelling by taking Karate. My mum didn’t like it and didn’t support me to the effort where she wouldn’t drive me to lessons or collect me and I would take a bus for 1 hour to get there. David knew this and David would take me home. 

David would take huge diversions.

David would put his 40 year old hands up my 14 year old skirt.

David once drove me to a Woodland, parked the car and locked the doors. 

 - - - 

When I told my father about David, he called the Police. 

Because an “actual Rape” hadn’t happened, and I was too ashamed to tell the Police that he had touched me, David was Warned. 

The Police regretted warning him when a year later he completed a Rape on a 13 year old Indian girl. 

 - - -

Following the Police report, rumours circulated around my school. The two girls who had encouraged me to attend Karate told everybody I was lying about what had happened. 

I had already been bullied for several years. 

I was bullied harder and pushed further after this.