My Bloggy Wog

I am so pissed at my boyfriend for constantly haranguing me about sex. I never want to fuck and I haven’t a FUCKING clue why. 

I’m comfortable saying the word fuck and I would rather do anything but..

I feel imprisoned in my own house. 

Right now as I type, he won’t talk to me.

He is pacing up and down, pretending to look for something he hasn’t lost.

He wants attention.

Each time he walks past me, I minimalise the computer screen so he can’t read the word “fuck” and ask me what I am doing.

I shout at him - he is wearing headphones - to ask what he is looking for and he ignores me. He is trying to punish me.

We fell out because I yelled at him and he just left. I don’t know where he is. 

Earlier today….

B: Can we fuck later?

I: You want me to get my diary out?

B: Yes, let’s plan it

I: What is this? How can it be natural when you want to plan it?

B: But it never is natural, and you never come on to me

I: Look, how many times have we talked about this? I’m going to phone the Doctors, I’ve been on the waiting list for 15 weeks now [for therapy] and it was only supposed to be 12 

B: When I come back later can you come on to me? 

I: - - No response

- - - Boyfriend goes out for a few hours - - - boyfriend returns - - -

B: Baby?

I: WHAT????????

B: Why are you shouting?

I: Because you were queueing me to ask you if you wanted to fuck! WEREN’T YOU!

B: Yes….

I: I’m shouting now so you don’t continue to pester me… I can’t do ANYTHING right. All you do is moan at me: “why doesn’t Emily fuck me? What is wrong with her???” Is that all you care about? Fucking? You care about that more than you care about me?

- - - - -

I am very confused.

I am forever trying to pinpoint specific reasons that may contribute to why and for a while, each of these are the “right” reason. 

• In each relationship, there reaches a point where you don’t have sex every day and sometimes, there may be 2-3 days where I don’t want sex. My boyfriend(s) - for this has happened in every relationship - can’t cope with this and start pestering me. Who’s to blame them? I do put out the image of being a bit of a vixen…

I then feel pressured to have sex which links to past emotions from sexual abuse and shuts me down. The more pressure and questions that are aimed at me from my boyfriend(s), the less I want to have sex, to the point where my sex drive completely diminishes.

• Sex is messy and I can’t be arsed to get messy.
• I think I’m gay - I love watching Lesbian Porn. LOVE. IT. But, I don’t think I could physically have sex with a woman, without being put-off at the thought of licking a vagina. It is something I fantasize about frequently and watch whilst masturbating - while the boyfriend is in bed. However, whenever I have been single, I have not remotely contemplated looking for a woman - it is / has only been men I have wanted.
• I think sex is unnecessary and limits us as humans. 
• I feel too intelligent to bother with sex. Isn’t it very animalistic? I think of it as dirty and weak. It makes me shudder. I just don’t want it. 
• I don’t enjoy it - but I can orgasm with ease.
• After 3-6 months in any relationship, I have always gone off sex. Initially, I think it’s wonderful and can’t get enough of it. 
• I think this is my fault and that there is something wrong with me.
• I don’t like sucking cock. When I was 18, my boyfriend at the time shoved his sweaty fat thing down my throat. It was so surprised, I had no time to respond and just sucked the thing. He came almost immediately and I gagged. It had the consistency of thick lumpy Cough Medicine with the taste of Sour Eggs. An entire MacDonalds Supersize Banana Milkshake could not wash away the taste or the sensation of the mucous at the back of my throat. It stayed with me physically, for 2 days and mentally, for life. 
• My doctor asked me: “why are you denying sex? Do you think it’s unreasonable of your partner to want a healthy sex life?” The answer was “of course not! But, if I don’t feel like having sex, should I forever force myself, however uncomfortable and unhappy it makes me feel? Is that fair?” 
• The boyfriend acts like a desperate animal and I feel bad and also put-off by this behaviour. His mother was visiting yesterday and he was showering in the bathroom. He pulled me in and wanted a fuck. I said “no” because his mother was alone in our lounge. He thought I was being unacceptable by denying him.
• I’m asexual and have no sexual urges. 
• I think genitals are disgusting. 

• I’m a freak.
• I joke during sex because I can’t take it seriously.
• If I were every to fall pregnant, well… I’d probably want to kill myself. 
• I fall in love easily and often with the wrong person because I am lonely. Because of my insecurity, I stayed with my boyfriend through the first few months of our relationship, even though he treated me so badly, I had a nervous breakdown and a profound depression. The same happened when my father died - my boyfriend promised to and cancelled attending both the funeral and tribute concert only one day before each and I was heart broken. When people asked: “why are you bothering if he’s making you this unhappy?” I replied: “I think there is something special about him… I think he’s the one, that is why I am putting up with it, because I know it will all work out for the best”. 
• I don’t feel attractive. I don’t like the way my body looks naked.
• I have ALWAYS been in relationships - I can’t actually remember a time I wasn’t - and I always try my damnedest to get the guy to move in with me. It’s a bit like a “prove-how-much-you-love-me” thing and once they’ve moved in, after a couple of months I can’t stand it. I think I have been like this because I am insecure. I have been cheated on in the past. 
• I have been very full on at the start of a relationship - born out of insecurity. I want to see the person all the time and feel like I am going insane if this doesn’t happen. I cannot control my emotions easily and “fall in love” - if that’s what it is - very quickly. 
• When I am “looking” for a new partner - which is what I do - I tend to pick people who are similar to me in their emotional state; can fall in love quickly, or who have problems. I realise this is strange behaviour - especially the “picking” part, but I have always been successful in this way… being able to have whomever I want. 
• My boyfriend was bloody difficult at the start of our relationship and he was a nightmare in terms of canceling dates and withdrawing / being interested on and off and on and off…  
• My physical needs don’t match my moral outlook on relationships; I am a romantic and used to believe in meeting “Prince Charming (aka “the one”) and living Happily-Ever-After” but I have filthy fantasies of orgies… of meaningless sex… of living the nice life I want, without being tied down.
• I am scared of living alone. 
• I think I am too independent and stuck in my ways to live with someone.
• I am a control freak.
• I need the rent contribution and don’t want a lodger. I sometimes think to myself; “I am SO fed up of feeling like this, I’m going to end this relationship. But, I’ll wait until he contributes to the mortgage first because I don’t want to struggle this month”.
• I feel bad for having these thoughts, but they are prevalent and there nonetheless and I need to acknowledge them.

The extents I go to to avoid fucking: 

• I bury myself in my computer and “work”. 
• I shut off emotionally because even a cuddle and a kiss leads him a pressuring me for a fuck.
• I will say / do anything to avoid sex.
• I get upset and start crying because I feel like he is always pressuring me and moaning at me: this morning, when I came to bed, he wanted to debate my lack of sex drive - it was 5.30am and I been emailing files to someone - and I was on the verge of falling asleep. I shouted at him a lot… telling him; “you care more about your cock than you do about the fact that I am exhausted?!?! I don’t have the energy for this conversation right now”. 
• I love my boyfriend.. or is it the idea of him that I love? I’m not sure. I love his lovely face and the way he is supportive of me at times. I HATE the insecurity and paranoia he has. I love that he is silly and makes me laugh. But I HATE that he doesn’t believe me when I try to explain how I feel to him; just saying “I truly don’t know”, isn’t enough for him. 

When he comes home, I instantly shut off and feel angry. 

I sometimes wish he was away all week and only home for one evening. 

I love him and want to keep him in my life but a part of me washes over…

He frustrates me to the point of screaming, regularly. I would leave him but I’m scared of how I’d feel if he were gone. There is nothing worse than regret, of pushing someone too far, of losing the one thing that was right for you all along - staring you in the face - because you didn’t realise it at the time. Or, am I just being the romantic that I am?