I don’t possess the gift of self love.
And I mean ‘love of self’ par se, not the desire to masturbate. For this, I clearly possess the gift.
I care about my running and what I put into my body which does suggest I have a little self respect…. Self love?
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I wake in the morning with the deep hunger. A sense of longing for lost times. Constant, it sits heavily on my lower abdomen.
When I was 8 and sat in Primary School Assembly, the Head Teacher told us that our conscience was a prickly ball within our chest. If we told a lie, our conscience would prick and we would feel guilt.
I feel guilt, on a day to day basis and I am reminded of that ball of conscience. I feel the sadness of not having achieved enough. I feel hurt from being mistreated and I feel discarded and unloved from my difficult childhood.
I feel a huge sense of “SHOULD”.
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Today, I realised that ‘self love’ had still not presented itself to me when in a moment of clarity, I discovered that the deep hunger had been masked by a person.
This person is my Messiah.
And he is so, because I enabled him.
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Despite my unbridled optimism and lust for life, at times I lean towards anxiety and procrastination which journeys down the path of mild depression and unresponsiveness to life’s opportunities.
I recently, unexpectedly and surprisingly found myself in a profound relationship with a friend. We met at The Caxton Theatre 16 years ago.
I remember him staring at me across the room and thought nothing of it at the time.
Later, we set up our first band. I Drummed and he played Keyboards. We named ourselves after a Microsoft Word Font: Turkish Impact. We had an affinity for the inane and found blenders and beetroot funny. In those first 5 years, I didn’t see him as any more than a great friend who I could talk to about the abuse and bad memories.
Sadly, he lives in our home town, 230 miles and a 4 hour drive North of where I live.
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APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE: YOU ARE PRIVILEGED
I have a lovely house - which my Grandma and Mother are currently staying at, renovating my garden and loft room which hasn’t been decorated since it was converted almost a year ago. They are like the Ground Force Team except my Nan wears a Bra(1).
I have two lovely dogs, a cat, great friends and a promising career - which although flailing, is completely capable of renewal should I put a little effort into it.
Why then am I depressed and obsessing over my new relationship?
Why do I always let everything else slide when a man comes into my life?
I haven’t had a successful relationship because I don’t do them properly. I am too eager to please, too keen to dedicate all my time, too willing to let my personal and professional life take any precedent.
James….
Admittedly, due to our 16 year friendship history - which included Turkish Impact, an amazing first kiss in the Paris snow when we were 17 and various other adventures - following a 2 year physical absence from each other, we fell in love after only 2-3 days.
We have shared our innermost secrets and are both susceptible to impulsive behavior (e.g. me uprooting my life to spend almost 2 weeks living with him, with my dogs at only a days notice).
Things have gotten serious very quickly.
We have already spoken of ways to live nearer each other and loosely discussed conjoining our self - employed businesses and forming an ‘empire’. I think the excuse of, ‘well, we’ve known each other for 16 years and feel so close’, enables us to feel this is OK
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Following my 2 week sojourn, upon my return to ‘real life’, reality has hit and I am faced with no James.
After 2 weeks of spending every minute with each other - making love several times a day, smelling him on me, talking into the early hours, working, cooking and relaxing together, I feel lost without him and it aches throughout my body.
This pain in my chest feels like my conscience prickling me angrily. I feel compelled.
We talk regularly, texting several times a day and have a long web chat in the evenings. We are planning the next time we see each other which is only a week away - two weeks if we can handle it - followed by another get together for almost 2 weeks in August.
Why then do I feel lost and close to tears?
All day I have felt tears pricking my eyes but not a single drop has been released.
I trust James completely, so this can’t be jealousy.
*******
I wake in the morning to a deep yearning. I yearn for James to be with me, holding me. I want to make love with him and kiss deeply.
*******
I wake in the morning to a text message or phone call from James.
I find my day being dictated by the ‘tone’ of his text message or voice on our morning phone call. If he can’t phone at the pre-agreed time because of work commitments, I worry that something is wrong.
We both acknowledged that we mustn’t rush our relationship and should take things one step at a time. If we rush things - as we are both liable to do, being the kind of people we are - we will ruin it.
This is so special and we have such a close bond, it could be amazing if we play our cards right.
There are so many things to sort out; my ex relationship, my flailing business, his location - being some 230 miles North of my house - his business which is just getting on it’s feet, his day job and lack of free time from having two full time jobs, my location etc etc
We have said that we WILL make this work. It is worth it and hopefully it won’t be too long until we can be together in location at least.
*******
I miss him so much.
In missing him so much, and expressing this so freely, I have given him my power, leaving myself empty.
I have enabled him to be my Messiah, my reason to wake up in the morning and to function throughout the day.
If one call is missed, I sit by the phone willing it to ring.
I let my mind wander into oblivion and entertain ridiculous and insecure thoughts.
The mind is our biggest bull-shitter when we let it.
Sometimes I remember the time my ex didn’t come home. I huddled into a foetal position against our bed and released deep guttural sobs containing raw anguish. He had cheated on me before and at that moment, I knew he was doing it again.
But this was my ex. This is not James.
*******
I have drawn the conclusion that I am lacking in self love and self respect.
My Messiah must be within.
I will no longer allow another to mask my deep hunger.
I must satisfy this hunger on my own.
It is not attractive to cling to the one you love. And, I need to love myself in order to be loved by others.
When James looks at me he sees a confident and successful woman who is talented and creative.
This is who I am.
I don’t know how to be a stronger and more empowered person - but I do know that it will take self discipline. In those moments when I want to be impulsive and drive 230 miles throughout the night, or call and text James more often than needed, or simply find an excuse to be around him, I need to use my head and say, ‘I do NOT need to be around James to validate who I am’.
I am simply enough.
*******
To Em From Em.
You sexy bitch.
x
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(1) Charlie Dimmock from Ground Force frequently shovels top soil with such force, her un-cupped (and much needed, yet unwired) DD Cups - unpert and without any support - flail violently, causing any onlooker - regardless of sexual bias - to swallow their morning tea down the wrong hole.
